Okay. I haven't updated in YEARS because I couldn't seem to bring myself to log into Blogger. hehe. Anyway it's funny, reading all my old entries and realizing how much had changed these few months.

Since my last updated, I:

- did a new tattoo (fish on wrist! God, it rhymes.)
- have isolated myself from my friends,
- bought a lot of stuff,
- have finished ALL my college transfer applications,
- am back on substances,
- found out who my true friends are.

I need a major change in my life. I am so sick of the monotony. I wish I could have new friends, a new environment, a new country. I wanna move away, start anew, recover what has been lost.

I need to control my desires, because material things will never satisfy. I need to control my lust, because there is more to life than such gratification.

I need to stop my substance abuse, because I feel like I'm killing myself slowly, progressively, day by day, spiralling downward into nothingness. How I miss those days when I used to be healthy, happy and naive.

All along I used to be self-sufficient, but now I know I can't do it alone. How I wish for a friend, someone whom I can talk to without being judged, to confide in, to go through each and every storm in life with.

Wind is leaving end of this month. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I can do and what I could hang on to. I just want a friend, whom I can go out with. To talk to, to shop with. It's that simple. I don't ask for much, I just want true friendship.

But I guess that's too much to ask for.
I'm moving guys, to

here

i can't update this blog anymore because it's screwing up on me
A lot of people have told me that I lead an interesting life, and my little anecdotes are their daily dose of fiction, but they don't know the price I pay for it. And everytime I do something socially unacceptable and after being punished, people always ask if I regret doing it in the first place, and the answer will always be the same.

Mum used to say that when I was young, she never could have imagined that I woud turn out this way. I disagree. Even as a young girl, there were little hints peeking out here and there, and if someone were to observe me closely, it would be apparent to them. Of course, no one did, because at a tender age I've become adept at leading a double life.

At the very least, I'm honest to myself. I know, I'm proud. I'm selfish, greedy, malicious and scheming. I know I'm vain and narcissistic, and ironically, I know how insecure I am. I know my problems, and I know the solutions. Yet, I also know that I probably won't follow the solutions.
I know how much I love Wind, and what I would do for her.

But you, with your slick moves and tender words, probably wouldn't understand this. Because you're too caught up in your little world, where Daddy backs everything. We both know what we are doing. I know what you are doing. Why lie ? You said you were straightforward. I say you're in self-denial. Let's face it, you're not as hot as you think you are. Your casanova moves don't work on me because I've lost the respect I had for you.

To me, promiscuity isn't wrong. It depends on your set of moral values. You know the truth wouldn't have mattered to me, because I don't care. The situation would still turn out the same way. I just thought that maybe, you know, you would at least BE the person you're trying to be.

Since you wanna play it. Play it well. :)

But of course, ignore what I said. I am, after all, your average bimbotic airhead. :)
I have a History exam tomorrow, and I've a 1000word speech to memorize by 7pm tomorrow. And I have to decide on the Christmas decor FAST, because the team is buying the materials this weekend, and we've to send a report. I have TWO Debussy preludes to practice on the piano AND a Scarlatti sonata on top of that, and four songs to memorize and sing well by next week.

You know, knowing that I've got so much on my plate makes me less stressed out. I'm just in a 'bring it on!' kinda mood. God knows why I'm just sitting here listening to Guns 'n Roses and reminiscing of the days where I used to snort coke.

I love Guns n Roses. They sounds so different from other rock music, they sound so whimsical and clean. Seems like at all the significant moments of my life, they're always there. When I was high on weed and alcohol, they're blasting from the stereo. When I'm at the club having the time of my life with all of my bestest friends, the DJ plays it. When I broke up with Fahad, I listened to it. And when I found Wind, I played it on my ipod.

Man I miss those days.. when I used to bum around, have fun and get high. All we need in this life is weed, music and a bed.

I don't know how am I supposed to deliver my speech tomorrw; my throat fucking hurts. Too many cigarettes and the fucking haze.
ive been lazing around in bed for the past three hours and now i feel like shit. :( i wanna go out for dinner so bad but my family's out of town.. sigh.

last night was indo night, sucked. because it was so boring and it felt like prom night. worse than prom night. so i left after half an hour and changed and headed to MoS with my aunt and Daph.. soon joined by everyone else and we had a great time :) finished a bottle of taittinger and a few shots of tequila and was nicely tipsy after that. lost my cigarettes in the toilet or somewhere, and it was a new pack of dunhill reds ! :( hung out in Sky and the vip room for quite a bit and my aunt did some picking up :D it's so nice to have a cool aunt you know. hahah !

was wearing my new Lulu Guinness pumps the whole night until 4am and i swear they were like a godsend. I didn't feel any pain at all ! And today when I went to church in the morning I could still wear them to walk all the way to Mandarin and hang out. I love them ! :D

anyway watched world trade center and i cried during the movie :( i literally bawled. wind was giving me the odd eyeball but i couldnt help it.. went home straight after cause my eyes were swollen :(

i miss my mum and dad and sis.
im finally online trying to print out notes for the Alexander Pope from sparknotes.com, but all i ended up reading is an analysis of the Communist Manifesto, probably my favorite piece of literary work because its so inspiring. sighs

had a great time at east coast this evening with all my beloved IFGF friends and family, and all the new friends from all over the world. led worship, and was translator for the evening (from english to chinese, chinese to english, english to indonesian, vice versa) see you guys in church on sunday, i felt so blessed today :)

tomorrow, music practice at noon followed by prayer. im excited, especially knowing that im doing something that's really meaningful, being at the frontline, being involved in various ministries and missions in expanding God's kingdom.

tons of stuff on my plate,so little time. i love it.
Oh my god I totally overslept my Calculus class and now I just woke up. Thank God Wind has her MC printing factory in business, she's so saving my skin :)

My 23 year old aunt is staying with us for the next couple of months, she just came back from her studies in Melbourne. I think she's a sort of like graphic designer, a really good one at that. I heard people would pay 200million rupiah (that's about SGD40,000) for her designs or something. She's so pretty and into fashion, I told her it'll be a waste to work at Rouge, where she applied earlier yesterday. So I'm going to bring her around to Club 21 in Four Seasons or Queen's Couture and see if she can get a job there, before she does her graphic design thingy.

I had a good talk with mum yesterday regarding my major, and she finally decided to support me should I decide to major in Literature. Before that we talked about my Chemical Engineering, which was what I was supposed to do, and I told her that while I'm relatively good at science and math, there are a lot others who are better than me. She said that I should find my own niche, where I am confident of my own abilities.. and I know writing and Lit. is it.

Anyway she saw the ad for the Devil Wears Prada and she went like, " what devil ? satan ? is it a satanic movie ? " hahahaha I love her cluelessness. She says since I like writing I should become a journalist, and said that France would be the best place for me to get my Masters. So I guess, Paris would be my next stop after getting my degree in the USA, which I really hate.

Right now I'm just filling up my applications for Wheaton, and I sincerely hope that my extensive list of extra-curriculars would make up for what's lacking in my grades. Thank god I did tons of charity work with my family and school.. all those mission trips and performances count so much in the applications.

I'm so bored and hungry :( I spent the whole night yesterday playing Scarlatti on the piano trying to get to sleep, and now I ended up oversleeping my class. Sighs.

Tiffany
Indonesian
1st Dec

Wind
Piano & Violin
Louis Vuitton

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Daphne
Yeni
Winda


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